I lost my filter today. The one I use to turn my rude, harsh thoughts into nice, polite words and actions. I have no problem using it, on most days. It ensures I am a good example to my children when in public, dealing with frustrating situations or irritating people. I smile, nod, and use courteous phrases such as "thank you" and "excuse me". I apologize when my child stands in the middle of the aisle at Target, and you can't get your cart through. I say "no problem" when you apologize to me after tracking mud on my carpet. It's all because I utilize my Polite Lady Filter.
The problem I have is, the darn thing just will not stay in when I get angry! My husband can't figure out how certain things come out of my mouth when I'm mad. See, he's different. He almost never loses his filter. His is basically super glued in, and I bet he couldn't pry it off even if he tried. The worst he would do is temporarily crack it with all the prying...and a very thin stream of unfiltered nonsense might trickle out just before he got it repaired.
I send him to do my dirty work on most occasions. He calls the insurance company, doctors offices, and goes to the DMV. In situations when he says "I understand you're busy", I'd probably have said "this is your job, you get paid to do it." It's an ugly thing, me unfiltered!
So, when my diabetic Kindergartner stumbled out of school to my van this afternoon with a blood sugar barely above causing a seizure, after being ignored by 2 teachers...I was half an inch from losing it. I wanted to march into the school, gather the principal, the teachers and the nurse together and create an ugly, unfiltered scene! But, my PLF was still hanging on by a thread, and instead I called Mr. Permafilter. Her teachers should know, I fumed, that dizziness is a classic sign of a low blood sugar. She should have been sent to the nurse...she could have died... they need to do their job, it's not summer vacation yet! He calmly said, but she didn't, she's fine, and I'll handle it. Easy as 1-2-3.
And, he's right. She didn't die, and probably wouldn't have (I get dramatic when I'm angry, too!). And he will handle it, a lot more understandingly than I would have. In the end we hopefully won't have burned a bridge with a teacher we really do love because we won't have said things out of anger. We will reeducate the staff at the school, and pray that it doesn't happen again. I did a little housekeeping, found that evasive little filter, and wedged it right back in. I'm thinking about seeing if super glue is on sale...
Choosing to love,
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